and then he retired
by AGENT Kuma-chan
Summary: Sousuke can still taste the chlorine, the salt in his sweat. It's hard to give up on a dream.


**Title:** And then he retired

**Prompt: **September 30 / and then he retired

**Character/Pairing:** Sousuke/Rin

**A/N:** Made because _Rin, you idiot, ignoring an arm injury is the reason Sousuke got in this mess_. Also, I'm rather disappointed I can't write anything of this length for MakoHaru. Just short drabbles for them…. I need to fix this.

**Summary: **Sousuke can still taste the chlorine, the salt in his sweat. It's hard to give up on a dream.

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The final match. The final swim.

Sousuke can still taste the chlorine, the salt in his sweat. The crowd roars as he touches the pool wall and Rin dives in.

His arm is on fire, a molten trail from his shoulder to his elbow.

It's worth it, he felt. He feels.

It's worth it.

He wakes up in the present, the sun barely rising outside his window. His face is damp—sweat, not tears. Sweat.

His arm doesn't burn as hot, just a dull roar now, and he tries to go back to sleep.

-x-

Eighteen. He's just eighteen and already he's retired.

And what now?

Sousuke looks at the career form he has to hand in. A doctor? A scientist?

Hell, he could become an astronaut for all he cares.

The pool, the chlorine, the cool sheen of the water on his hot skin. These are all familiar, these are all desired.

And now they can't come back and he has no clue where to go from here.

-x-

_Who says your shoulder can't be healed? I'll be waiting for you to come back._

Sousuke stares across the water, out to sea. Somewhere in the distance is Australia. Somewhere out there Rin waits.

And his arm, his arm still aches—to stretch, to swim. To move.

-x-

"Recover?" The doctor stares at him as though Sousuke's speaking a foreign language.

Maybe he is. "Yes. Can I recover?"

The doctor clicks her teeth, shaking her head in annoyance. "Athletes, all the same." She flips through her file. "Always overworking themselves and then expecting a magical cure to fix everything."

"Can I recover?" he pushes, trying not to yell at her.

"Your shoulder is busted," she explains slowly, replacing her annoyance with something akin to pity. "Your arm too. You pushed and pushed and your muscles cannot just snap back healed like a rubber band."

"But if I go to—"

"Muscle therapy, massages, and the like can help," she interrupts. "And you will regain mobility in your arm."

The doctor reaches out now, gripping his good shoulder. "But you have to understand, this mobility—it will never reach competitive level again."

-x-

"And so you decided to ignore the doctor." Gou shakes her head, muttering under her breath about boys and stubborn mules and honestly she expected this from her brother and not him.

"She could be wrong." Sousuke winces slightly as Gou massages his arm.

"Oh, too strong? Sorry." She goes softer now, pushing out the tension in his shoulder. The stiff muscles that refused to relax no matter how much time passed. "She's a doctor, she's probably right."

"I'll get a second opinion."

"Get a third while you're at it." Gou sighs, shaking her head again. "You know, despite everything that Haru and my brother say, swimming is not everything."

"To you at least."

"And now to you too."

She doesn't realize how cruel those words are.

-x-

Surprisingly, Rin actually keeps contact with him. A letter appears every two weeks. Despite the modern inventions of email and cell phones, Rin stubbornly refuses to do anything but snail mail.

Sousuke scans the letter, the _how are you_, the _strict coach and fun teammates_, and reads the hidden message.

_Still waiting. Will keep waiting. Come soon._

Belief that feels like a cage and a key at the same time.

He decides to be the dreamer and turn the key.

-x-

"Stretch your arm. Just a little bit more," the therapist encourages, his hands firm on Sousuke's shoulder. "Ok, now relax."

Sousuke lowers his arm, trying not to sigh with relief. There is a steady ache in his arm, almost bone deep.

It's good day though—no fire, no ice. Nothing's numb and nothing burns.

Just…the ache. The steady, constant, never ending roar in his bones.

Maybe the doctor's wrong. Maybe it's not his muscles at all but the bone. He digs his hand into his shoulder—if he goes through enough flesh, he can stop the ache. Get rid of the drumbeat that promises more pain.

"I'll be back with your new equipment," the instructor promises, smiling. "You're doing great today."

No, he's not. He can't even fully extend his arm yet.

"You're young," an older man says nearby. His aged hands are curled around a dumbbell, and he grunts as he pulls it up. "I haven't seen anyone your age here before."

"…you're bending over too much. Straighten your back."

The rude tone somehow has the opposite effect and the old man smiles back. "Thanks for the warning."

-x-

"Oh man you should see the first years!" Momo exclaims, excited. "There's this one who's all face and sparkle."

"He actually does sparkle," Nitori chimes in, perplexed. "I don't get how. I can actually see sparkles around him but that's impossible."

"Even the water changes colour around him," Momo continues, waving his arms. "But he's good."

"Right." Sousuke stirs his coffee absentmindedly and almost starts when Nitori's quiet voice asks him a question.

"What?"

Momo doesn't notice this, acting out a new teammates swimming stance. Nitori repeats himself, "How's the shoulder?"

The bindings itself should be a clue. He can't yet keep it out of the sling, not for long periods at least, without pain.

He tore something, something needed, and it's taking too long to come back.

"Not good."

Nitori bites his lip. Strange that Rin put him in charge—he's almost the least put together person Sousuke's ever met.

"We'll win this time. In the relay."

Sousuke almost snorts. Like that's a comfort.

"Practice your turn-flips a little more," he says instead. "You're always too slow coming up."

-x-

Sousuke puts the cup in the cupboard, just above his head. A minute passes and he reaches up again to pull it out, wincing at the pang his shoulder gives.

It was worse before. It's better now.

He knows this instinctively, logically. Mobility was a far off dream two months ago. And now he can put away cups. And then take them out again.

And swimming?

Rin's letter sits on the table, unopened. He can smell the sea water on it, the open water training Rin wrote about before still ongoing.

Swimming the dream.

And he's still trying to pick up a damn cup.

With an angry growl, he smashes it and tries not to think of the symmetry with his hopes.

-x-

"You get massages here too?" The old man is back, with a middle-aged woman this time.

He wonders how rude he has to be to finally be left alone. "No."

"You should!" The woman chimes in, smiling broadly. "Kiri has the nicest hands."

Sousuke sighs and gives in. It's not worth the effort. "I'll think about it."

"Hibari was telling me how you helped him with his form. You've got a good eye he says," the woman adds. "Could you help me too?"

The old man, Hibari, gives a sheepish grin, and it's all Sousuke can do to hold back the growl.

-x-

Sousuke almost doesn't open the letter from Rin. Almost crumples it and hides it in the bottom of his sock drawer.

Rin doesn't mention the doctor's verdict, though Gou must have told him by now. Doesn't mention the therapy or muscle training.

Instead, there's a complaint about how he's got a grumpy trainer stuck to him until the coach feels he's up to snuff. A list of things he forgot he hated about Australia. Things he misses from home.

Excitement, so much it bleeds from the page.

And the last words are a silent promise to wait, a quiet reminder of belief and a chance to swim in the pool together.

This time he does crumple it and put it in the sock drawer.

It's a bad day today.

-x-

"Come on, Sousuke. I know you can stretch more than that." The trainer's voice buzzes in his ears like a mosquito and he longs to swat at it.

"I'm…" he grunts, the fire branding his skin. "I'm trying."

"Just a little more!"

"I'm…" His shoulder screams, he screams, and the stress ball in his hand drops to the ground.

"Are you okay?"

"NO!" he shouts, clutching his arm. It's almost a relief when it gets numb and he gets up, carefully avoiding looking at the ball or the trainer.

The signs of failure.

"No," he repeats softly.

-x-

It's almost impossible to forget the sharp sting of chlorine, the sight of light through the water.

Every night, it haunts him. He's breathing, breathing water and drowning in air and how far away he is from the person he wanted to be six years ago.

How far away he is from the person he wanted to be a few months ago.

Where is that acceptance, that understanding that what's done is done and nothing can be changed?

_I'll wait for you_.

It's so hard to give up when you have hope. Especially someone else's hope.

-x-

"So I'm going to be a trainer," Gou announces, proudly. Beside her, a stack of books sit, carefully bookmarked.

Sousuke looks up, still squeezing his stress ball. His hand feels like an alien sometimes, a foreign entity he's learning to use. "Because of the muscles."

"Because of the muscles," she confirms, the smile on her face indicating it's a joke.

Or at least half a joke. He knows the muscles played a part.

"You told Rin yet?"

"Yes but he takes forever to respond. Snail mail." She pouts, annoyed. "But to be honest, I think I'm half doing it because of him. And our swim team."

"You were their manager, right?"

"Still am—I don't have to quit until after nationals." Gou has a notebook out and flips through out. "And I still have to schedule some training camps."

"The new batch is trouble?" he asks, thinking of Nitori and his sparkling first year.

"Just a little. But the most trouble comes from Nagisa and Rei. They couldn't decide who would be the next captain so they're sharing the title." She frowns, scrunching up her nose. "It's a horrible thing and I'm taking over."

Sousuke tries and fails to hide a smirk. "Let them delude themselves."

"It's easier to manage them that way!" She chuckles, closing her notebook. "But really, it's so fun. Making schedules, deciding on menus, making sure the rules are followed—I didn't realize how fun it was before."

"And the muscles."

"And the muscles." She winks, poking his abs. "Yours aren't half bad."

"Nice to see I make the grade."

-x-

"Your turns still need work," Sousuke comments and Nitori almost crashes into the wall. Standing at the pool edge, he watches as Nitori recovers.

Red-faced, Nitori stammers, "T-Thank you, sempai." Awkwardly, the kid rubs his cheeks before adding, "Anything else?"

"For your teammates? Plenty. But you're getting better."

"R-really?" Nittori smiles, excited. A split second later, the smile disappears. "Ah, but…"

"But?"

Nitori stares at Sousuke, almost unnervingly, for a long minute. "No…nevermind."

-x-

The swimming trunks are like a foreign object, he's forgotten how they feel on his skin. The water, though, the water is almost like a homecoming. Almost, but this isn't a competition. Just a chance to get a feel for the water.

A feel for his body.

Pushing off the wall, he starts off slow. A simple stroke after every breath. His hand cleaving the water in two, a knife through butter.

Two strokes after every breath. He's not ready to do a turn flip yet, so he touches the wall and bounces off it again. The water rolls of his back as he surfaces for air, and his arm, so awkward on land, comes alive here.

Three strokes after every breath. The usual when competing. His arm stretches, almost reaching its old span. Cool water on hot skin. The sensation is odd, burning and cooling at the same time. It's like he was never injured.

The tempo picks up and he bounces off the wall a second faster.

A second and then it his arm is an electric eel, needles and pins all over. A nest of bees broke over his arm and each barb carries a little shock.

Gasping, Sousuke stands up, unable to even cradle the fire that used to be his arm.

(No, no, no, no, he can't race, can never race, how is he even functioning with this broken appendage)

-x-

_Rin_,

_I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't_

Sousuke crumples the paper, unable to make it past those two words.

-x-

(and was it really just four months ago he was ready to accept this reality? Four months ago that he had his dream filled and his heart full and was that even acceptance or just a mask to cover up the pain?)

-x-

Flipping through the books Gou accidentally left behind, Sousuke stops at a diagram of the shoulder. His shoulder, each muscle carefully labelled, a small warning on overtaxing under each note.

His injury, a footnote.

Ignoring the urge to tear out the page, he flips to the next. A diagram of the arm now and in the margin a few scribbles from Gou. Her writing is impossible to read and he moves on. Surprisingly, he can't find a single heart drawn in when he gets to the abs or her favourite muscles.

On one page he finds a list of exercises, specifically to combat fatigue and overworking. Too late for him but not for Rin. Maybe he should photocopy and send them over.

"Sempai!" Nitori snaps him out of it, and Sousuke suppresses a groan. He had almost forgotten the reason he's sitting here, by the pool edge. "Any suggestions?"

"You're coming into your turns a lot better now." What else had he noticed an—has it really been that long?—hour ago? "Work on making them faster and smoother."

Nitori doesn't sink back into the pool, still hanging off the edge. Pulling himself up slightly, he brings his arms fully out and rests his head on the cool tiles.

"What?" Sousuke finally asks, after five minutes of staring.

"Sempai…I…" Nitori bites his lip, before blurting out, "You don't look as happy anymore. You…don't smile as much and…you looked happy for a moment when you were reading but…you look really sad all the time and…"

Beet red, Nitori slips off the wall and sinks into the water. "You just don't look as happy."

-x-

Sousuke leans against the rails, looking across the sea. Somewhere out, Rin is sleeping. It's summer in Australia, so he's probably not sleeping all that well—he can't handle the heat.

And somewhere, there's a top bunk above him, empty. An unwritten label, _Sousuke's_, is there.

"How do I get there?" Sousuke grips the metal, lowering his head.

"How do I move from here?"

-x-

Gou's books lay on his bed and after a moment's consideration, he picks one up.

Picks and flips through out. Nitori words run through his head—_you look happy reading it_. Happy.

Sitting down on his bed, he starts to read the book properly. The first few chapters on the body, the muscles and nerves and bones that make it all. The diet required to sustain it, the exercises to support it. Outside his window, night turns to dawn and it's only the chirping of birds that let him know he should go to sleep.

Happy.

(and he thinks of the people at the therapy center, their bothersome questions and constant worries. Of Rin and his own training.

Of the pool, of that attempt, of his dreams and hopes and Rin's words.

Rin's beliefs.

_You're not happy anymore_.

How long has this been the case?)

-x-

It's almost a confession as the words slip off his lips, "I haven't been happy for a while now."

-x-

"Good morning," Gou chirps, entering the coffee shop. Spotting the stack of books next to his arm, she smiles broadly. "I need those back soon."

"Take them." Sousuke pushes them back. "Surprisingly subtle of you to leave them."

"Well…Makoto nixed my original idea."

"And everything makes more sense now." He takes a sip from his coffee and slides a pad of paper over to her. "Any other titles I should look at?"

"Oh? So you've figure things out?"

"Somewhat."

She giggles, wiggling in seat in excitement. "You look happier now."

Sousuke closes his eyes and takes another sip. "Somewhat."

-x-

"Sousuke?" Rin stares at him in surprise, skidding to a halt. Dressed for his morning run, he tugs off his headphones. "You're here? In Australia?"

"Well, you said you'd give me a tour."

Rin breaks out into a broad smile. "You idiot, I said bring Gou with you. Now I have to do it twice." Without a second thought, he envelopes Sosuke in a hug. "It's good to see you."

Sousuke relaxes. "Yeah."

Pulling back, Rin looks at his right arm. "How is it?"

"Better."

"Really? Cool. When do you think you can stay?"

"Rin…I…" Sousuke can feel the fear creeping up his spine, choking his words. Like they did before, when he refused to tell Rin, tell anyone about his arm.

It'd be easy to run.

"I'm not going to swim anymore."

Rin freezes. "What?"

"I can't." Sosuke shakes his head, correcting himself. "Not competitively. I…It's not working."

"…oh."

"I'm going to become a coach." Sosuke looks down, avoiding Rin's face. What expression is he making now? His hands clench, nails digging into his skin. "Gou's helping and…I like it. It's different but…I like it."

Rin stays silent and Sousuke doesn't know if he should look up.

"Are you happy?"

"…more so."

"Then I'm happy for you." Sosuke's head snaps up in surprise, staring at Rin. A goofy smile is plastered on his face, no sense of disappointment at all in his tone.

"Really?"

"Of course!" Rin punches him in the good shoulder, a playful grin on his face. "You realize this means you'll have to talk to people a lot."

"Not if I give them written instructions and run," Sousuke answers dryly, relieved. Breathing out, he can feel the tension leaving him. "Just send emails and texts on what to do."

He hesitates before broaching his next idea. "I'll coach you when I'm done."

"Go easy on me," Rin answers with a grin.

Sousuke laughs, fully relaxed. "Anything but."


End file.
